I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
