now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
