I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
