For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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