The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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