I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Best friends brother. Beat that.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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