Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
