She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
