I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I came so hard my ears popped.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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