He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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