Me too!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
