my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
