I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
