i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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