Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
