I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
