Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
