she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
