Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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