Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
