Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
