I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
