Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
