Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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