i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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