I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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