He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
