Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
