Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
