Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
