Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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