one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
