I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
