Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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