3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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