I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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