On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
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