How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Green mimosas i think yes
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
