Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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