3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
