Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
