And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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