just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
