I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
