I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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