You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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