forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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