I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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