I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
