thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
