So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
