apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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