i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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