i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
