im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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