the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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