We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
