I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
