I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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